A snake shedding its skin (make vs. want)

appellativo · A snake shedding its skin (make vs. want)

You guys may recall how I have been having problems getting my son to 'behave.' In school he has fairly regular 'problems' of not respecting adults peers and property, through not following the rules. it's not that he is destructive or hurtful, he is just impulsive, exuberant and open. Usually his issue is not being able to exert enough 'self control' to follow the rules.

If one is insightful, one sees that there is really nothing 'wrong' with him, except that he does not fit into the socio-cultural model, espeically the one upheld in modern schools. This model is not conducive to individuality and creativity as we all know. It's sit down, shut up and learn what we say you need to learn.

Now, as a mother, I do recognize the necessity of self control and trying to get along for the sake of the group, and to keep peace in the household. In fact I recognize it so much, that I use it to my perceived advantage. I am sort of a control freak, I think because I am sensitive (affected by outer stimuli) enough that I NEED order, peace and harmony or else I am just not able to relax. For me, my children contributing in the household (by doing tiny chores such as putting away their clean laundry, unloading the dishwasher, and picking up after themselves) is expected.

Today after reading once again in his behavior report that he'd been in trouble, I heard myself tell my son, because I did not know what else to say, that if he or I could not motivate himself to behave through appeals to his intellect (of course I used smaller words), then I would have to use fear of bodily harm (spankings, which in my house are five swats with a wooden spoon). I told him that that disturbs me very much and I knew he didn't like it and that I hoped he could make himself behave on his own without me having to step in.

So then I began reading my book, and in it the author talks about a man he respected, how he was a spiritual teacher for young men. Here is what it says:

"No words of chastisement passed his lips; no rule and ferule maintained his discipline. Higher mathematics indeed were taught in these modest classrooms, and a chemistry of love absent from the textbooks. He spread his wisdom by spiritual contagion rather than impermeable precept. Consumed by an unsophisticated passion for the Divine Mother, the saint no more demanded the outward forms of respect than a child."

When I read that, I felt in a way that THAT is the person that I want to be. I suppose I am struggling with who I am and who I want to become, and also how do I reconcile the two, while still maintaining my sanity. Is there any hope? Do any of you know what I am talking about?

Oh one more thing. I also know (from Frequency, by Penney Peirce) that any issues of any people within my sphere of perception are also linked to my own issues and are meant to be worked out by myself, not just by them. This situation reflects that truth sufficiently!

learningthedance

click on the picture "animal school" where it say's preview video, and watch it. Absorb it!! Turn up your sound and really watch it. Put the damned spoon down, and watch it again.

http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/

Focus on his strength's, embrace them and help him fly. Work WITH his teacher and have her do the same and let her know you will NOT settle for anything less.

I will quote what you said..."If one is insightful, one sees that there is really nothing 'wrong' with him".

Exactly, so let him bury the spoon and get in HIS corner. He will do better knowing you are with him rather then against him. Better yet, burn the thing and let it go!!!!!

Anyways, I absolutely love this video. Speaks volumes. Get's me all choked up each and every time I watch it.

Also, Sometimes you need to allow him to leave school at school. Home should be "a place of peace and harmony" or else he will just not be able to relax. Sound familiar??

and yes, I understand what your talking about.

jackspark

Some kids just don't fit in school. I see it all the time and I have to accommodate them or I'll go crazy. My grandson was moved to my school because if we left him, at his school, he would have been expelled....... so I get it and feel your pain. My school is unusually supportive of kids who don't fit the school mold; we facilitate a special ed. coop and have a high percentage of spec. ed staff members.

Elise gave ya really good advice and I have always loved that video! Relax and ease up; that in itself will do wonders for you both. STOP TAKING IT PERSONALLY.

4theloveofjake

Erin, I feel for you. I have watched my son struggle in school and because I know who he is, I know it's not because he's a bad kid or not able to learn in a controlled environment. He is 16, well almost 17 and we just recently have found a solution that works for him. His grades are finally rising and he is finally starting to think about how his actions and focus are playing a role in his future.
Your son is young and I hope you don't make the same mistakes I did in thinking you could talk him or love him thru it. Some kids need help of another kind. As much as we don't want to admit that "our" child can't make it the traditional way, we have to put away our personal picture of what should be and face head on what is.
If you want to talk more IM me.
Hang in there, the road of child rearing is absolutely the toughest you will journey on but it is also the very most rewarding.

appellativo

Nancy what kind of teacher are you? Where do you teach?

I suppose I want my kid to be successful in public school because I do not feel qualified to undertake the task of homeschooling him. I am really not sure the best route to take. Perhaps he can remain in public school successfully but I am not sure how to go about achieving that.

The animal school video is really good but I could not read and comprehend fast enough and there was no pause button! Can someone help me with that? (edit: nevermind I found it on youtube)

Perhaps I can order the book and have a meeting with the teacher? There is a big book for fifty bucks and a small pocket book for eight dollars. Does anybody know the difference between the big book and the little book?

appellativo

I'm reareading my original post and I guess I need it spelled out for me. If he is getting in trouble at school, am I supposed to just ignore it? Just let the school try to deal with it? My intellectual attempts are not working, and I'm not supposed to use corporal punishment. So that leaves....ignoring.

???

PasoBaby_CarolU

Erin, you haven't really said what the problem is, but whatever it is, I don't think ignoring it is the best answer. Why not get with the school and try to find a better solution, or a different school or teacher? Some kids have trouble with the way information is presented, but if presented differently, they learn it quickly. The difference between being verbal vs. visual for example.

Just as with a horse, have you ruled out any medical problem for it? My nephew was undiagnosed ADHD for years and had a lot of problems in school. My good friend's daughter went through something similar and she was dyslexic. My sister was hyperactive and a handful in school. What she needed was an accelerated program to keep her challenged.

As for 'corporal punishment,' I listened to the results of a study on NPR a few years ago that was done on boy's brains. It found that most boys don't understand consequences until they are are around 17-years-old. Some do as early as 15, but others never do. If the threat of the spoon isn't working, there is probably a good reason for it.

learningthedance

jackspark

Math teacher here but I do work in a school that specializes in BD and LD kids. I don't know enough about your son to suggest a course of action, but sure would be willing to help if you want to e-mail me the details. My suggestion to relax is from personal experience with a troubled grandson and wasting a lot of time punishing for something out of his control. Physical threats mean you have reacted the end of your rope and need to enlist the help of others asap.

bit

Have to agree about the spoon thang. Using it teaches him, when all else fails you can get physical. I'm hoping that a time will come when kids are taught as the individual learners they are, and not cramed in classrooms of 40 kids, one overwhelmed teacher, and only one way of getting there. We are all learning how individual our horses are. There is no pure lbi, or lbe. Every horse will experience most all horsenalities, and we as their human partners spend many a long night researching how best to bring them along in a way that is compassionate, and with mindfull leadership.
I'm wondering if those horses aren't teaching us how to teach ourselves as well as teach the people in our lives how to treat us, and others? See what I mean? Would you ever hit your horse? I mean go out there and just lay into him for something? Figuring out how your kid learns, encouraging more of that behavior, and working with his teacher (not expecting the teacher to take on accountability of your kids behavior) I think is a good step. Just the fact that you are trying to figure him out, with him, and help him along is a great lesson for him. (It's how he learns how to treat the future Mrs. Appellitivo. He will choose someone just like you.)
Amanda and I spent a lot of time, still do, figuring out how she can learn a little better, a little easier. She's a master at memorizing maps. When she had trouble remembering anotomy for her bio class, I reminded her that the parts of the body were like a map. The light bulb went on, and she flew with it. Spelling, we figured out word games that helped her. We worked together, as partners, as alies. When the social challenges hit in high school, she turned to me, not drugs or alcohol. Most of her friends were sucked into that mess.
Right now you have the opportunity to lay a great foundation on your kid, just like you do your horse. Get him talking to you about what's really going on in his own head, how he feels, his fears, opens a wonderful door. He'll come to you when things are starting to go wrong for him. You'll be there with open arms and be his safe place to fall. You'll figure it out, together. He'll learn that when something happens in his life, he can figure it out. If he needs help, get it for him. A good tutor that teaches in a way he understands. I did that, and I was POOR. Find out why he's having such a tough time. Why did Hawk rear? Why does Gunner spook? Why does Ecipse loose it at a canter when we trail ride? They all had reasons, and it wasn't a personal attack on me. I had to ask why, and how can I help them through this? Same with kids, I think.
The only thing personal about this is your personal opportunity to learn to do it better.
Remember, that kid of yours is only going to be as good as you are. That was the big wake up moment for me, when that thought hit my head. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one morning, looked in the mirrror and that thought slammed into me. It was my defining moment in time. She will be just like me. Damn.