Overcoming anger/frustration

appellativo · Overcoming anger/frustration

Ok y'all. I'm inspired by this section and the people posting on it. Can I enlist you guys' help?

One of the things I'm supposed to conquer/overcome is the feeling of anger that I get when people don't do what I consider to be the right thing or the thing that needs to be done. I do great when it comes to things a little more outside my sphere of influence; I can let that stuff go. But close to home (literally and figuratively), I get so irate and frustrated when either myself or my husband or kids don't do what I feel they are supposed to. When they don't bend to my 'authority.' I have to laugh at myself...who the hell am I that they should 'have' to listen to me, when it comes to the big picture? But it doesn't change the fact, I'm their mom, or I'm their wife so we have to play these roles. I'm talking about stuff like if I ask my kid to pick something up and she simply doesn't want to so she chooses to ignore me, past all the warnings until I get just red hornet mad. I get this feeling of 'who are you to defy me? I don't care if you don't want to do it! DO IT!'

What can I do to keep harmony in my mind as I struggle with this? I'm not asking for 'how to handle the situation' or 'oh kids will be kids.' I'm talking about 'curing' the inner feeling of frustration and anger and how do I take it all in stride in a calm, even tempered way. How do I delete the anger/frustration?

another situation is....I'm home all day with the kids. My husband works. When he gets off work, he gets to come home to his house, his kids, his electronic entertainment. He gets a release. I, on the other hand, want to get OUT of the house. Getting a change of scenery and some peace and quiet is what I need. But he doesn't want me to leave because then he has to deal with the kids and might not get as much relaxation as he would like. I feel like our kids are relatively low maintenance, and I feed them before I leave, so it shouldn't be a problem for me to leave. My husband sometimes doesn't see my viewpoint or agree. This is where my anger/frustration kicks in. It is such a stark contrast to when I am alone...I feel peaceful, patient, serene. But when people enter into the equation, I have such a potential to get angry.

So now I've spilled my guts and y'all can let me know if you have any directions for me to seek in!

Mandy'sMarty

Erin---Check out this link. Today. Right now. Be Well.

http://www.debbiefordnewsletter.com/message.asp?msgid=290

Click on "the link" in the 4th paragraph of the newsletter that appears at the link above.

4theloveofjake

Erin,
First I want to say you are not alone. As Mom's and wives we are usually designated to be in charge of most everything. Meals, Dr. appointments, homework, grocery shopping, housework, bills, yada yada yada, the list goes on and it does not EVER end. So, that being said we must have some order, cooperation, organization etc. In order to achive this we need to be able to delegate as needed because there is nearly no way we can do it all on our own. You are doing the best you can and sometimes it may come across as anger. I have been there and I am sure it's more frustration. Often we have this mental picture of what life at home with a family should be, ya know Norman Rockwell and Little house on the prairie stuff. I have been there too.
Over time I have allowed myself to not get so riled up and let more things slide. Alot less yelling and nagging. Not just for my family but for me too. If I have a stain on the carpet for two months, my house will not fall down.

One day the kids will be gone and the house will be clean and nobody will be there to mess it up and then I am sure I will want them to come back with my grandkids and mess it up for me again.

appellativo

it's not the mess that bothers me. it's the disobedience. But, like the famous 'don't punish, support and direct' tom dorrance quote....I hate that anger and frustration and the accompanying 'meanness' that comes out of me!

oh, I registered for the audio but nothing happened....is it going to be emailed to me? And what is 'deep shadow work?'

4theloveofjake

Don't beat yourself up Erin, you are only human. Living in the moment, now, here and now, helps me. My kids don't always listen to me when I ask them to do something, then I have to tell them to do it and then I end up forcing them to do it and it gets done. Back in my childhood days I felt like procrastinating too but didn't dare because I would be in alot of trouble and more than likely get a spanking or grounded. Now a days we cannot spank and I cannot ground cause my kids rarley go anywhere so I have to take things away from them to get thru to them.
Ask yourself if the disobediance is disrespect or just procrastination. I can be a procrastinator too so that doesn't bother me until it get to the forcing stage. Try to keep a sense of humor too. Nobody said parenthood was easy ! ***sigh***

Mandy'sMarty

jackspark

Having to be "Right" has to do with the Ego. The ego feels that It will somehow die if IT doesn't come out on top of others. IT is very vulnerable and insecure and sees itself under constant threat. Fear is usually the underlying cause.

"you as the ego can't afford to be wrong.
To be wrong is to die. Wars have been fought over this, and countless relationships have broken down" Echart Tolle

AlythLong

Hi Erin, I think every mother feels like you do - I know I did when I was home and my kids were small.

I think each of us copes in the best way we can. I know many people thought I was mad giving my kids breakfast in bed!! But for me it worked. I was so fed up with yelling, calling, getting cross each morning that I put their cereal in a bowl on a tray with sugar and milk and took it in, put it beside their bed and said "breakfast's here". Within half an hour each had emerged from their bedrooms, dressed, teeth cleaned, ready for school!!! That worked for me. Gave me a peaceful breakfast as well!! We started the day off great!

Another thing that worked for me was their bedrooms. They had a room each which helped and anything left lying around just got chucked into their room. Their room was their responsibility and the door was kept shut!! If I looked in and the floor was clear I would vacuum, if it wasn't clear it was left!!

I only smaked the oldest once!! I tried to make the punishment fit the crime, but they only seemed to be punished when small. And the younger one was dragged off by the older boy when he was getting close to the edge!!

We lived on the edge of a small town and they had a lot of freedom to visit friends, go fishing etc. But when they learned to tell the time they had a watch and had to be home by a certain time.

Both boys have grown up to be parents themselves and they are doing a good job as well.

You do need to talk to your husband though and get some time for yourself. Do your children go to school? Perhaps you can get some time then. Otherwise, insist on one night a week when he is home to baby sit. Even if the children are fed and in bed before you go out!!! Or perhaps they can enjoy some electronic time together!!

Good luck. Breathe!! Count to 10 and you will survive!!

Alyth

fairhavenranch

I had a feeling EFT would come up somewhere pretty soon in this new area of the forum!

It's is GREAT for pain!

bit

Ya sound pretty normal to me. When my daughter, at age 10, would put her dirty clothes in the hamper, rather than put them away, I told her she was plenty old enough to do her own laundry. She was so MATURE and GROWN UP, and I was so PROUD of her. I never did her laundry again. That clean laundry in the hamper problem went away, too. I got very creative in making chores her idea. Sound familiar? Make the right thing easy, the wrong thing laundry.
I had the same challenge with my old husband. I decided to put Amanda in the after school program and before she started school, she went to the day care at the mountain while I skied. All I wanted was a couple of hours. I wasn't going to get it from my husband, so I gave it to myself. Very impowering.
Remember, your kids are going to turn out just like you, marry someone just like you. That sure motivated me to get my emotional act together. If you think your horses mirror you, that ain't nothin' compared to your kids.
Who would have thought you'd be getting enlightened on a horse forum? Go figure!

alexwein

alexwein

Btw, this is not airy fairy stuff. This theory has been around for decades and informs a LOT of really effective therapeutic practices. Just wanted to put that out there before people start saying 'woo woo'...

fairhavenranch

There will be no "woo woo" from here. It sounds perfectly normal to me. Very logical and undoubtedly insightful. Perhaps, a tad painful but the relief would be welcome if only you could focus on that first.

Transcending ANYTHING seems useful to me.

whudson

Erin, this is called "ego" or playing "a role" you want to do neither

First off, if you haven't read A New Earth...hence our Eckhart Tolle thread. I recommend it.

You seem to be well versed in LOA so pls, pls pick up and read this book. IMO it is your next step.....

You need to learn to be on the moment, and enjoy the present moment, whatever that may be in order for the next "moment" to be pleasant

This has helped me as a parent tremendously

BTW EFt's I have studied as well but are not really a match for "being in the moment" which does align I might add with LOA....EFT's do work

appellativo

I bought A New Earth for my mom. I guess I'll go borrow it! I ordered the power of now, too.

When I'm home, I find myself wanting to be distracted by anything and everything. I want to 'be doing something,' accomplishing something. The only time I can enjoy the present moment is when I'm holding my kids, focusing on them for a minute, how cute they are, how good they smell. Or when I'm with my horse. But lots of times, the present moment is just NOT where I want to be. And I think I actually get angry at being 'pulled out of my distraction' in order to take care of some 'urgent present moment.'

Hmmm, how interesting! Don't know what to do with that.

jackspark

whudson

Being a parent is hard....

You are misunderstanding the present moment thing...( I think) The present moment is whereever you are or whatever you are doing. Eg Washing dishes..be there...feel the water ...stop the mind

appellativo

that just it. I NEVER 'stop the mind.' LOL! Well I won't say never, but it's rare. I guess I like being busy and getting things done.

I guess a better way of saying it, and explaining it....I love my kids and my husband and my house,.....and I don't want to give them up. But really, my current life is not where I want to be. I don't know how to explain it other than that. I suppose there is work that needs to be done and that is why I am here, but there is work I'd 'rather' be doing somewhere else! Maybe that is the source of my anger/frustration.

What do you mean by self medicate, jackspark? (I need to learn everyone's name. Or maybe y'all can just post it in your sig line so I don't have to use my memory lol)

appellativo

exploring this further, I decided to just journal for a minute. this is what I got.

I've always felt the need for something grand, something on a large scale, to be accomplished. The tinyness of progress, I guess, the snails pace, really discourages me. (I remember when I was in elementary school and I had to ride my bike about two miles to school and back. One day I was so overwhelmed by the task that lay ahead of me I just had to get off my bike and sit down on the ground. I sat there for quite some time, until I got into a frame of mind where I could confront the journey again. One step at a time and I would eventually get there. I remember being a bit baffled by that incident (like 'where is this feeling coming from??'), but I think that it was simply a small scale reflection of the larger journey that I'm on. I of course didn't realize it at the time but that's the only thing it could have been....a restimulation of a larger 'event.' I suppose I've always known that in order to get anything done you have to get down in it and work at it bit by bit, down in the trenches. I'm afraid of losing myself in the task. I think to myself, 'If I stay busy enough, and quit looking at the big picture, maybe I can get it done'. But I'm afraid I've gotten distracted, lost myself in the 'doing of the task,' and thus have eventually gotten off course. I tend to see something that needs to get done and I go do it, and when I'm there, I see something else that needs to get done, so I go do that....before I know it, I've gotten off track. (or have I?) There are lots of really cool things to get distracted by. Some of these things I could just do forever. Those give me great joy but the first desire is still there (getting the universe back to source, setting things right, getting things back to being how they SHOULD be). It's kind of cool that we each find our own personal joy and passion, we find a way for THAT to lead us back 'home.' Mine is horses. But how do we do our jobs without people thinking we are crazy? We can't be 'obvious.' We simply have to lead by example and be subtle...that's the only way. How annoying.

What is the emptiness that I fear/dislike about the still place? Why don't I want to go there more often? What is it there that I don't want to visit? What am I pretending Not to Know? I am afraid that 'there' is where I need to be and I am 'here' and I do not know how to get there, or am prevented (by myself, because I don't want to 'lose' what is 'here' by going there. (more frustration.)

4theloveofjake

The name in the sig is a good idea, I can't always remember everyone's name either.

As stated it is HARD to be a Mom. Very hard. Extremely hard. Not at all easy. It is giving ourselves over completely to the needs of others.
What I have noticed lately as my kids are getting older, they are teenagers, is that I have slowly begun to return to being somewhat selfish with my time,energy and happiness.
As they age I have started to return to the dreams and aspirations I had as a child. Somewhere in the middle of life I believe we as humans go back to our roots. Not roots as in family birthplace but as in roots of our own souls. One day we will be retired and allowed to do whatever we want. Reminds me a being a child again. Playing, connecting with nature, etc. There is a release waiting or us all as we move from the busy super Mom to the person who knows what she wants and lives it every day.

One last thing I want to share, please stop and slow down and enjoy these days with your children and your life as it is today. One day you will miss what is today. My Mom is retired and has been for several years but still says the best time of her life was when her children were little, while she was working and taking family vacations together. She's right !
Each stage is beautiful !
Sherry

appellativo

you're right, I need to be where I am right now or I'll regret it later. I'm glad I ordered 'the power of now' book.

bit

Good questions. Ask again, and be still. Very quiet. See what comes. It will be a voice within, or an experience. Your answer will come.
Mucking. Now that can be a job, or a time to enjoy a job well done. I get into the tiniest of poo. I get so lost in it that time stops. I love mucking.
Dishes, not so much. Never enough poo, always dishes waiting for me, offering as much peace as poo.
My sufi teacher told me that we continue to learn the same stuff, only at different levels. Like the spiral on a dna strand, we learn, we reach a higher level of understanding, moving up the spiral, only to face that same lesson, again. With new understanding, coming from a much deeper perspective, but there it is again. Once you figure this one out, you'll start looking forward to it, I promise, like an old friend. The shadow dance is just another way of learning. Once you embrace it, like my dishes, it won't send you spinning or into a dark place.
And yes, I'd give anything to go back in time, and hold my baby daughter again. Read my six year old a story, or share laughter with my 10 year old. You are there right now, and your children are your "poo". If they are choosing to spend time with you, what a blessing! Encourage that! The husband? AH well, he's your dishes. I can't help ya there.

appellativo

I HATE the dishes too! but it is satisfying to get them done, still. I hate mucking so I embrace the 24 hour turnout lol. I do love cleaning tack or fixing things though. I love my husband, although I wish we had more in common. It seems like we used to, but you know, people just change over time, their interests and desires change, and when they become different (I'm talking about myself changing here), your spouse can just keep you from doing what it is that you need to do for your growth at that time. Finding out how to deal with that is where I'm at right now, too.

4theloveofjake

Erin,
I know that place where you are. Finding balance is the key here. Won't happen overnight. But it can happen. Sometimes it works out great and everyone is happy. Others times you can be labeled as selfish for spending too much "me" time. Balancing home, kids, spouse, job, horses and life is no easy task but well worth the effort it takes to achieve.
Sometimes I resent my family members for demanding my time when I would rather be doing my own thing but then I remember they love me and need my time too as I need theirs. Each of us has to find our own balance within our lives. No two are alike. So think about it and find ways to start getting it. I don't like it when a loved one is unhappy with me. Makes me feel 'ugh" so I work within their desires often and in doing so I find the comfort I need and know in a day or so I will get the "me" I need too. Hang in there !

jackspark

appellativo

Hmmmmm....... I don't know......

Peeperpuppy

Sunny

sarah

Erin,

This will undoubtedly be long and rambling, and quite possibly incoherent. I am famous for long, rambling posts.

I apologise now.

From one Mum/Mom to another, and as many others have said... motherhood is hard work. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It is messy, costly, personally restrictive, bodily destructive, mentally challenging and emotionally exhausting.

I often feel like I'd like to have a "life" outside of "Mum" - just for a little while. My eldest is 13yo. My youngest is 4yo. I do not ever get a full night's sleep. Not since 2003. My house is always messy. Not matter how often we tidy, it's messy again too soon. And that doesn't take into account cleaning. Don't even go there.

I have heard people try to calculate the "value" of what a mother and wife does. I think the cost to employ all the workers (full-time nanny, part-time cook, full-time cleaner, gardener, referee/umpire, part-time nurse, etc) to cover the job ran to about $100,000 or more.

The days of the shiny-faced children in their pyjamas and the happy wife meeting tired hubby at the door with his pipe and slippers and a glass of Scotch are long gone in my house. I expect that, although I am sure my husband has shitty days at the office, he will come home and realise how much crap I have copped during the day too.

I would advise every mother lets the father of her children experience a normal day in your life. You know the routine. Give them a list, and leave them to it. Do not go easy on him. See how much fun and peace work seems like after a day with two preschoolers, grocery shopping, the school run with the bigger kids, after-school activities, cooking the meals, cleaning the house, take the dog to the vet, pick the dog up from the vet, mucking out the stalls, etc.

I gave my husband the chance to do it in 2008. He handled it pretty well, although colour coordination in the school photos didn't happen. He cut corners (he prides himself on efficiency - military boarding school

) but everyone lived, so I guess he did good.

I am lucky to have a partner who thinks that his responsibility didn't end when he made the kid. He does everything I do, except give birth and breastfeed. He is a highly educated, self-employed professional who works full-time and does a full-time study load too presently.

Despite being a partner in a business where most other partners think that loitering in the office is a good thing, he comes home for lunch (he works close to home) and as soon as he can after 5pm. He has had to work harder during business hours to do the same amount of work as the other business partners, and he's learned to be efficient and clever about his work.

He made the decision when our second child was born and he was working longer hours and commuting longer that he would go to work earlier, skip lunch and get home earlier to see us. It was especially important in winter. He's stuck by the fact that his family is what is important to him.

I know that I am lucky. I wish that everyone had a partner like mine. I married one who is the image of my grandfather. He still cooks breakfast every morning for my grandmother.

My sister made a salient point to me recently that most men don't get it when you're being subtle. She said that if you were blunt enough to highly offend your girlfriends, the man in your life might get a hint of what you're trying to say.

Erin, have you talked to your husband about helping more? Is it a possibility? I mean, I know you don't sit by the pool sipping margaritas all day, but does he? Does he even realise you need more help than your getting?

You know what, I actually took the opportunity to not be full-time Mum of four when I went to America in 2008 for one month. It was a wonderful trip, where I saw and met many wonderful friends, and I found part of myself that I never knew existed, but I missed my family like mad.

So, how do we cope when the quagmire of motherhood and wifelyness is upon us? I tend towards a bit of "letting go", trying not to sweat the small stuff, practicing natural justice, and when all else fails, chocolate.

Nothing about it is easy, But when I look at my kids' faces, when they come to me with some new discovery or invention, when they delight in something and I hear giggles and peals of laughter, I can't help but fall in love all over again. Regardless of the mess and fuss they bring with them, I'm not me without them.

EDIT: This is a song that I love. It makes me think of my family, especially in those moments when it seems pretty hard to be where I am. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nm7S8lFEvDI

new2thejourney

Sarah, for the record, I really enjoyed your post.

Erin, reading what you have written sounds like something I could have written myself a few years ago. I had 3 kids under the age of 5 and felt just the way you do now.

I don't have any words of wisdom, or pearls of advice, but I so feel for you, I really, really do. All I know is that now, for the first time in my life since having kids 9 years ago, I have a little bit more freedom. My youngest started going to school this year full time, and my husband is not so scared of young babies/kids that really just need and want their mumma. For the first time in - ever, I took a ride on my horse, away from the house, away from the family - just away from it all, and hubby was good and supportive about it, kids were okay and I knew everything was okay. I have not been in this situation before, but I am now and I am hoping that with time, you too will get to a place that is easier.

I agree with those that have said that being a mum/mom is hard. HARD, HARD, HARD work. Cut yourself a break. You are doing the best you can with what you have and it is brilliant! You are a wonderful mum and your kids love you.

"This too, my dear, shall pass"

Love to you,
Karen
xx

bit

I just read Tony your quote, Sarah about not being subtle with men. I was cracking up, but he just raised an eyebrow and agreed. He said you guys think we should "just know" what you are thinking and we don't. If you want results, you need to talk to the little guy! I believe he is refering to the other man brain.
I am a single mom, and that was very hard. She wasn't too keen on me riding horses, but I explained to her that I came back a better mommy and she reluctantly gave me her blessing to ride "the damned horse" as she refers to them now. I asked my kid for permission, and she gave it, with conditions. Do it when I'm in school, but you better be there to pick me up and you need to spend all your time with me after school. She is moving here to go to KState this summer, and she just gave me the same conditions. lol!
Take time for you, you will come back better. Only you can give this to you. Ask your husband and your kids for help. Thank your husband A LOT if he does. Much praise and reward for any tiny thing so that he will be encouraged to do it again, and more. If Tony does anything helpful, I make a huge deal out of it. Just like Hawk. As I taught my daughter, "say what you mean, mean what you say, get what you want." You gotta ask, and the universe will answer, and sometimes your man.

jackspark

Peeperpuppy

jackspark

new2thejourney

[quote="Peeperpuppy My parents had just decided not to have anymore kids & Mom came down with the flu... allow me to introduce myself... I AM the flu & my name is Robin LOL. quote]

Hi Robin!

That was great!

Karen

bit

Amanda, my daughter is so grateful that I was "able" to stay home with her. I worked nights, my ex worked days, so there was always someone there for her. At 14, she decided to cut her contact with dad (he has issues) and it was that year that I was injured so baclly at work that I was taken out of the job force and on dissibility. I went through some stuff with that, but we both also considered it a blessing. I was home every day, every night, and my daughter was pretty much glued to my side. When her friends were going home to empty houses, slamming bedroom doors to dissconnected parents, Amanda and I were as close as it gets. Her boyfriend, who she is still with at 21, happened that year. They both hung out with me at night, watching Oprah, Gilmore Girls, and the sci fi channel. We WERE the Gilmore Girls. Her friends would show up at my house, even when Amanda wasn't home, to talk to someone that would listen. That happened a lot. I knew about the date rapes that parents never knew, the parental abuse, physical and verbal. I knew about the drugs, and drove to pick up many a kid who was to drunk or too scared to go home.
Being there for kids is so important to them. I understand your moms regret, Robin, aka The Flu. She must have been one heck of a mom when she was there. I think that's the biggest thing, making the time you do have with your kids, quality time. Putting them first, chosing them over anything else, that's the stuff of self esteem. Loving them more than you job, and letting them know.
Amanda learned how to be strong, resolve conflict within herself, budget money, choose healthy relationships, choose herself over peer pressure because she saw me struggle with it, heal it, and become better because of it. Robin, you must be so proud of you ma.

appellativo

ok y'all I have read the Power of Now and am almost done with A New Earth. A New Earth is good an everything, but the Power of Now....wow.

I can now see that I was identifying myself through ego and emotion 99% of the time. Now I know what it is that my problem is and I can begin to work on it.

I still lose my patience (it happens SO FAST that I don't even have TIME to 'become the watcher!!') but at least now I can be aware of what is happening and try to formulate little detours (count to ten has a whole new meaning to me now that I know what to do while counting!) for myself so I don't become the ego and act through it.

Road rage is practically a thing of the past. Now I can see that where I have been successful with my horse is an almost complete abandoning of ego and I can now try to apply the same principles in the rest of my life.

This has been a wonderful experience, reading this book (it now is placed as Number Two on the best books I've ever read of all time list). Next I will read Stillness Speaks. And, I bought the music CD compilation by Eckhart Tolle and that is real nice to listen and chill out to.

Thanks everyone!

jackspark

Erin, I've got a suggestion for your next book if you haven't read it:

Change your Thoughts, Change your Life Dr. Wayne Dyer

It contains the 81 verses of the Tao and how to apply them to daily life, I read one a day and try to do what he suggests. I absolutely love it and feel like it gets me off to a great start each day.

Stillness Speaks is wonderful but it's short and you can get through it quickly.

ErinR76

long time no post (on this thread). I added a screenname but its still me (appellativo)! I have read most of the wayne dyer book, plus many others, and life is much better for me psychologically now. I was talking to my sister the other day and even she says she notices a change in me the past couple years. So I guess I'm making progress, lol!

jackspark

Wayne's new book Wishes Fulfilled is, IMO, his best! If he speaks your language go get it