What's self esteem got to do with it?

bit · What's self esteem got to do with it?

When I got back into horses, back in 2001 my self esteem was pretty darn low. When it came to horses, I so desparately wanted them to love me. I was needy. Ugh, I was most likely a needy friend, as well. Victim. I'm ok with looking back on this because it's just what was, not what is. I tried therapy because thanks to some ugly parents, I was spit out into the world that way.
Horses taught me to be strong, to stand on my own two feet, and they taught me that mistakes were forgivable. Forgiveable? You know what I mean.
The more I learned about horses, and how they think, the more I realized they don't particularlly like me hugging them. They need me to carry them with my body as they carry me with theirs. I needed to lead, not go invisable. They mirrored my ugliest parts of myself. They waited, forgave, mirrored, and I gradually learned that what they craved lay right inside me. My heart, my soul, my time, my strength, my love, my partnership. Weakness is death to a horse. Weakness is a target for pred's, ya know. I must have been like carrying around a sign that said, "EAT HERE!"
It's taken a long time, not that I'm there yet, but I have a good idea of the direction and how to get there. Horses continue to teach. My self esteem heals and my life is counted in blessings, not pain. Horses are so proud and have such spirit. That's what they give us. Everything they have inside.

becdubie

Wow!
Bit this is deep....AND I'll take this part to heart myself.

appellativo

Thanks for sharing!

ha ha i know my horse doesn't love it when I hug her. I'm sensitive to if she moves away ever so slightly and I don't advance. But sometimes, she lets me just love her in MY own way. And, its special to me when I am just sitting there reading next to her eating her hay, and she offers to rest her nose on my cheek so quiet and still for a moment. To me it feels like the way she 'loves' me.

Hute

Cricket didn't like hugs at first but he grew to love them and ask for them. I think he figured out that if I was hugging him them I wasn't making him move.

Beacon didn't seem to care much either way.

Yes my first experience with true forgiveness was when Cricket forgave me completely for losing my temper with him. He met me at the gate the next day when I fully expected him to be difficult to catch. He never held a grudge about anything - it was always a clean slate each day with him. What an angel. Without him I'm not sure I would have ever realized I COULD change and make things better for myself, that it was worth doing for myself. But he seemed to think so and never minded bearing the brunt of the negative side of my learning process. In fact, he seemed to enjoy it (which I've never understood) He will always hold a special place in my heart.

What a gem. A friend of mine is working on holding horse therapy sessions at her farm. I think it's great - horses can do far more in many ways than traditional therapies can imho.

appellativo

I would love to work at a facility that uses horses as psychological therapy for people. Not so much therapeutic riding, but uses them like Arianna Strozzi outlines in her wonderful book Horse Sense for the Leader Within.
http://www.authorhouse.com/BookStore/BookDetail.aspx?Book=242646

Sometimes it feels like there is a huge gap between the life I am living now, to the one I want to live. I pray that when conditions are more favorable, I can bridge that gap.

Yes_But_Neigh

My new riding partner informed me of the Assisted Equine Thearpy that she has taken a part of. She has been a mentor and a volunteer in the work and is going to e-mail the coordinator to see if they still have it going on. If so, I am going to get involved. I can't imagine a better way to go through therapy and the people you must meet. Bit, do all horses hate to be hugged?

jackspark

My gelding, Rookie, loves for his head to be hugged...... he keeps it close and tucked in as he knickers softly. I've done it since he was born and I know he equates it with love or affection or something like that......

PasoBaby_CarolU

Emili, the short answer is NO. I have three horses that can't get enough attention. Two are my 'kids horses' that I do lessons on, and their love of attention is exactly what makes them so good at what they do.

I will tell you an interesting story here. My mare Zar is RBI and very standoffish. Hours of UDT has done nothing to change it, nor has anything else (except she likes unconditional cookies! Go figure). She is afraid of strangers and won't approach them beyond seeing if they have a cookie. She certainly won't touch anyone or anything intentionally. My husband and I were gone on a vacation and had a couple staying at the house taking care of things. Jennifer was not a horse person ever. While we were gone, her good friend was hospitalized and expected to die from septicemia. Jennifer was cleaning corals and crying. Zar went up to her and gave her a hug, letting Jen cry into her mane and on her shoulder. This incredibly sensitive horse sensed two things, Jen's harmlessness, and her need. When I heard this I was pretty shocked, but verified that it was indeed Zar who had hugged her.

Horses are amazing animals.

appellativo

Aw, that's really awesome. I love to hear stories like that!

Hute

Ditto!!

misstux

Carol, I cried reading that story.

appellativo

There's an awesome story called Zamba: The Greatest Lion that ever lived by Ralph Helfer. That book is filled with stories like that, that just really touch you deeply when you read them. One has to do with horses too.

http://www.amazon.com/Zamba-True-...oks&qid=1295462460&sr=8-1

4theloveofjake

That's EXACTLY how I feel Bit and I agree with you a milion times over !!! Thanks for putting it down in writing ! These thoughts are floating around in my head all the time

bit

Emili, I don't think you can say all horses do this, like this, don't like this. Just like people, they are all incredibly different. Kelsey's mare, Peepa loves her butt rubbed. Quinn loves his throat rubbed in big long strokes. So does Hawk. Bitty likes her tummy and butt softly rubbed. Eclipse? Not so much. Nothing. Nada.
I had to quit thinking like a human to "get" horses. Not that I do. I try. Horses aren't people. If I touch a man's arm, it means something. I like him. If I put my arms around him, that's affection. I've watched my horses eyes, body language and energy when I touch them different places. If I stroke, rub, scratch, pat...every horse likes me to do something different, a different place, or not at all. Keeping in mind when a horse initiates mutual grooming, it's a dominate behavior, it's not always received in the light we are giving it. Maybe why Eclipse isn't too keen about it. She's the lead mare, doncha know. I don't take it personal. I see how she looks at me, to me, seaches for me. I know how she feels. See how that takes the "needy" right out of the picture? A horse's love isn't measured in touch. It comes from their heart. When you connect, it comes from there.
Try this...just humor me. My centered riding instructor asked me to visualize my core. Feel it. I was riding at the time, but I closed my eyes and really connected with my core. Then she said, "Eclipse's core is right around her belly button. Big circle. I want you to visualize an arrow shooting from your core to hers. We were just walking, but Eclipse actually jerked, head came up and we were connected! I was trying to explain on another thread how moving an lbe's feet starts way before you actually move his feet. It starts with the mind, and I think someone else had mentioned the mind as well. Let's take it a step further. Before the mind, connect with the heart. That can happen with something like this exercise, or sharing territory, or one of those magic moments like someone was talking about gen horse chat when her horse invited her to play. I'm thinking her heart was wide open when her horse walked in.
What all my horses enjoy is my company. Sitting against the round bale, reading while they eat. Using a tree as a back rest and watching the sun set while they graze in the pasture. Hawk enjoys it when I bring the boom box out and play Kieth Urban. We dance. I've had people stop on the road and watch us. He's a great dancer.
This has translated right into my life with humans. I now amble, floppy eared and calm. I don't pin my ears so much. I've noticed I am invited for mutual grooming a lot more. lol! I try to be good company, and it's comfortable, those long silent moments. Don't feel the need to fill the silence. My inside feels good, and that seems to make people I don't know smile at me. I smile back. Connection. I think that works with horses, too. Smiling on the inside, floppy eared, with a mosey in your walk. I invite my horses to play, before I ride. I ask. I put myself out there more with people. If you don't invite them in, why would they walk through the door?
I'm treating people more like I treat horses. I don't think I had a great example of how to be a human from my birth mother. It's been hard trying to learn how to be a good human. Not as hard learning how to be a good horse. Luckily, it seems to be working for me.